Have you ever had an obviously younger person call you "sweetie" or "honey" or "hon"? Or maybe even "doll", "dear" and worse yet, "babe"? I think you know what I'm talking about. You are in your favorite restaurant and your young server comes up to you and says, "What can I get for you today, Hon?" Or, you are inquiring on a purchase at the counter of your favorite store and the clerk says, "Let me check on that for you, sweetie." I don't know about the rest of the world, but this happens to me on a weekly, if not daily basis. And it's not just because I have such a youthful complexion. I've been out with my 75 year old mother where she is addressed in the same manner! It just blows my mind. I don't even really like it when someone older than me addresses me in this way, but when someone is clearly younger than me or even of similar age? NOT ACCEPTABLE! In fact, I've taken to making a joke of it to the offender in hopes of waking them up! Unless otherwise indicated, please call me "ma'am" or by my proper title, "Ms. Foobella".*
My question to you is, do you dislike this as much as I do? Or, are you even possibly a habitual, albeit well-meaning, offender yourself? Well, this is my public service announcement on one of my greatest pet peeves.
What brought this about? Recently, as I work in the medical field, I had to complete a computer-based learning class on Age Sensitivity that touches on this most heinous etiquette no-no along with more interesting information on ageism. Though this mostly applies to providing service to the elderly within the medical field, I found it very enlightening and wanted to share it with you. Heck! I've found I, too, have made some of the same mistakes listed below, and now consider myself "schooled".
Disclaimer: I am NOT implying that all individuals who use these greetings are ageist. As you will see if you read on, it clearly states that most people think they are "showing that they care and that they are being nice" when using such greetings, which, in itself, is commendable, but ultimately I believe, misguided.
Read on:
Ageism is prejudice or discrimination against a particular age group and especially the elderly. - Webster.com
… And it continues to be one of the most prevalent forms of prejudice in our society.
Think about it…
- Do you change the way you talk to someone who seems much older than you?
- How do you view people who seem older than you?
A New York Times article described this NEGATIVE type of communication as “elderspeak”.
What is elderspeak?
Elderspeak is an inappropriate way of speaking to older adults, using baby talk or ‘dumbing’ down the conversation. This type of communication is most commonly used when assumed that the older person probably can’t hear or understand what is being said.
The following are “Don’ts” in communicating with older adults:
- Don’t address the older adult as “Dear”, “Cutie”, “Honey”, or “Sweetie”.
- Don’t address an older person by their first name or referring to a woman or man clearly in their 80’s as “Young man or Young lady”.
- Don’t refer to their careers or interests as “What did you used to be?” or “Who were you?”
- Don’t ask, “How are we feeling today?”
- Don’t speak very slowly or in a loud voice.
- Don’t congratulate simple actions like taking a pill or answer questions correctly with “Good girl!” or “Good boy!”
Most people using elderspeak feel as if they are showing that they care and that they are being nice. What they are doing is giving messages to the older adult that they are incompetent.
Elderspeak is a belittling form of address that leads to a negative image of aging leading to decreased self-esteem, depression and may lead to dependent behaviors.
Studies have shown that older people who were exposed to negative images of aging also performed worse on memory and balance tests and showed a higher level of stress.
“Do’s” in communicating with older adults:
- Use formal greetings unless given the permission to be informal: Example: “How are you today, Mrs. Gooding?”
- Take time to listen.
- Sit at eye level and show interest.
- Be calm and pleasant.
- Arrange for privacy.
- Allow the older adult to set the pace and control the conversation.
- If you have trouble understanding, ask the person to repeat what they just said.
“A society’s quality and durability can best be measured by the respect and care given to its elder citizens” – John F. Kennedy
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If I can help ONE person out there to stop from ever again calling their elders by these cutesy greetings, or committing any other faux-pas listed above, then I will have done my job.
*real name not given in order to protect the innocent...or not so innocent. And my blogging buddies, of course, can just call me "foo". =)
